The sting of death...

I'm trying this morning to focus on the positive side of life and I'm finding it difficult. I was notified last night that a friend had her life snatched from her yesterday. She was only 20 and serving as a student missionary on the island of Yap (Micronesia). She had endured her share of struggles in this sin-sick world, but had really gotten things together in recent months. She had been seeking the Lord with her whole heart. Details of exactly what happened haven't found their way to me yet, if they are known at all. But what seems likely is too horrific to even consider.

So why does stuff like this happen? Why did my precious friend from high school have to suddenly have her husband taken, leaving her to raise 6 little girls alone? It just makes no sense. And it hurts. I live my life untouched by the tragedies that befall so many, yet that could change in an instant. It always happens to someone else...until it happens to you. And from that moment you are changed. Forever. Your innocence is stripped from you and you are left vulnerable, shaken and exhausted. And for what purpose? It seems this is a question that will never be truly answered this side of heaven. Maybe because we couldn't handle the details. Or just maybe it is because the unknown gives birth to greater faith. Blind trust. Complete and utter reliance on the Creator as we realize we are nothing without Him. Life is but a vapor. Do we really want these few short years here on earth to be all we get? Especially when they are so marred with sickness and heartache.

I want more. I want everything He wants to offer me. I want my kids to want it, too. I just don't understand why it is so hard to keep my focus on Him. Why am I so easily distracted and discouraged? My heart hurts today for the loss of a sweet girl that I was blessed to watch grow into a beautiful young lady. I ache to think of the pain that her family feels. But I am more grateful than ever that there is the hope for something more. Something eternal.

In loving memory...Kirsten E. Wolcott (Dec. 5, 1988 - Nov. 18, 2009)

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The picture says it all!

Hannah's attempt at rollerblading

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A game, a wreck, and an attitude adjustment

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by circumstances and start to wonder why the bad stuff always seems to be nipping at my heels. Why can I never quite get a handle on life? This weekend threw me into a tailspin of self-pity, for which I am ashamed.

The weekend was going to be a busy one. I was prepared for that. But I also knew that there was the potential for some fun. So we packed clothing to carry us through until we returned home on Sunday and set out for church Saturday morning. The plan was to meet up with a friend (Shelby) at our home church after services since we were visiting another one due to Educational Sabbath. We were just going to hang out for awhile and then join the church for a Scavenger Hunt. Sounds simple, right? Well, it should have been. This particular scavenger hunt was the kind where you are given a list of items and then head out in your vehicle to find them. We had exactly an hour and a half to return. Everything went well...until we were just about to head back to the church. I was in the turning lane and ready to make a left hand turn into a restaurant parking lot. It was perfect because there were two restaurants side by side and we were going to be able to knock off two more things from the list before heading back. I waited for the traffic to clear and proceeded to start across the two lanes. However, for some reason I failed to see the vehicle in the far lane until it was too late. The result of such a mindless move was my first accident. And it was 100% my fault. I knew a moment of panic as I turned around to check if anybody was hurt and remembered that I only had 2 of my own children. The other three belonged to friends...two of them to Shelby who I had earlier met up with. Yep, not a good feeling. Rescue personnel were there in minutes and all the kids were ushered out of the vehicle and into an ambulance. An officer approached my side of the car and asked me to produce my license, registration and proof of insurance. I went one for three, which isn't a great average when faced with a cop. But he was just about the nicest man you could find, and told me not to worry about it. He kindly didn't even mention the fact that according to the stickers on my tags, my registration was expired. The registration is current, but I misplaced the new stickers and the card before they made it to my glove compartment. When he asked me what happened and I told him that I hadn't even seen the car that I turned right into, he nodded toward the kids, kinda smiled and said it was no wonder that I had been distracted with five kids in the car. I decided to keep quiet about the fact that I always have five kids in there with me...just not that particular group. Thankfully, nobody was hurt. I had run into a Pastor, which I thought was a strange sort of blessing. I mean the poor man just wanted to get home with his pizza to dine with his wife. But he couldn't have been any more gracious and understanding.

So while I'd love to go back to before the wreck and just have it not happen at all, I have to be honest and say that things could have been so much worse. If either of our cars had gone any further across the lane, our passenger side or his drivers side probably would have been hit, and I think injuries would have been far more likely. Shelby was there almost instantly, reassuring me that she wasn't upset. And then she stayed beside me, which was exactly what I needed in my fragile condition. Some people thrive when giving of themselves and serving others, and Shelby is absolutely one of them. I'm thankful I have full coverage and the lower deductible. I am still waiting to see what the claims adjuster decides to do with my van, but I'm feeling less stressed about that outcome.

You see it wasn't in my plan for the evening to be in an accident. And while I was shaken and mad at myself initially, the longer I think on it the more I see the Hand of God and the work of His angels. He didn't cause it but He allowed it to happen, so He must have some plan for good to emerge from it. If it is nothing more than for me to realize no matter how in control I think I am, I really have no power outside of what He gives me. I pulled in front of another vehicle. He prevented anybody from suffering injuries. I damaged my van and the man's car. But He reminded both of us that these are only possessions that truly have zero value when considering things eternal.

I'm slow and it takes me time to see things the way I should. But the goodness of God is permeating even my hard head. My priorities need reorganizing. And my thoughts need to shift from the few negative things that occasionally inconvenience me, to the barrage of blessings that I find myself the recipient of.

As a side note...one of the items on the list was to get a picture with a uniformed officer. My die-hard team saw the situation as an opportunity to advance our score.


I'm sad to report that we still finished in last place! :( But it wasn't for lack of enthusiasm. There were some strange things on that list and we had a team member ready and willing to try every one of them! Even in Walmart...

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The green stuff

Why is it that I can easily get into an exercise routine but I am pitiful about what I put into my body? I think I've just spent so many years of mindless eating and drinking that I am entrenched in poor habits. I don't think I mentioned, but I'm not on my quest for health and fitness alone. I have a number of girlfriends who are doing it with me and it has become a challenge, with the goal being who can lose the highest fat percentage. Now we are all different body types, heights and weights, so the challenge itself may not be completely realistic. But the premise behind it is. While shedding unwanted pounds and toning those neglected muscles will undoubtedly make us all look better, it will also improve our physical health and spiritual well-being.

One of the ladies (who also happens to be my neighbor!) has decided to do a fruit and veggie fast for a week. And she is very persuasive. You know the type. Some people are just gifted at getting others to follow them, even down paths that seem best avoided. I know, I know...a fruit and veggie diet doesn't seem so dreadful. And it is only for a week. But here's the kicker: I have to drink at least one GREEN smoothie a day. Don't get me wrong, I love me some smoothie! But I don't want it to be green. And the thought of having lettuce or chard or spinach in my fruity treat is just not appealing. But alas, as of this morning, my menu has been reduced to the basics. I have yet to try this new drink so I really should be careful not to pass judgment too quickly. Lunch is in about an hour so we shall see.

I will do this in hopes that my mental clarity will be enhanced. Okay, it is hard to enhance something you just plain don't possess. So I guess I'm hoping to gain some! I'd also love nothing more than to conquer the cravings for all the junk. I LOVE chocolate. Sugary things. Salty things. Oh dear, I have a lot of conquering to do! But I will press on toward my goal and I know that the Lord is in my corner cheering. I know He wants this for me, and all my precious friends, even more than we want it for ourselves. He wants my mind clear, my body healthy and my heart to be His. I will do this for myself and for my Lord. And I'll also do it because Heidi told me to!

This post is linked up with:  Sidetracked Sarah

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A fitness phenomenon

So I'm on a fitness quest. This should be a good thing, right? And it is. I think. There are days, like today, where my body just aches and my mind tells me that it is okay to skip my workout. Days when I know in theory that those cookies or that ice cream may not be great for my hips, but I know for a fact they would be very good for my morale. These are the times when I absolutely must put to use that amazing, yet torturous, gift of will-power.

Oh, how I hate to be strong. Being weak and giving in is just so comfortable. Until after the fact. When the craving has been met and I am left dazed, wondering where I went wrong. I am delighted to be able to say that I forced myself from the comfy depths of my warm covers this morning. I laced up my sneakers and went to stand in the dark living room before the television set. I was not enthused about what was to come. After a few moments of deliberation (still battling with myself here about actually doing it) I popped in the DVD and pushed play.

I am doing the 60 day program by Shaun T called INSANITY. And it is rightly named! This morning was the Plyometric Cardio Circuit. If you know what "plyometric" and "cardio" mean, you have at least a small idea of the agony I was about to endure for the following 40 minutes. So I get started with the warm up. Somebody forgot to tell this guy that a warm up is supposed to be slow and easy...to just get your blood flowing and the muscles warm. This crazed man jumps right in and goes all out~all the while screaming at me to go faster and "keep the form". I mean, seriously? I'm a little preoccupied with being proud of the fact that I am actually doing the movements at about the same rate that the people on my screen are going. But now he wants me to be sure my form is perfect? So I check my form, which throws off my timing a bit. I settle on a slightly slower pace with proper form. Fine. I'm not too proud to adapt things to my fitness level. It goes on like this for the first 10 minutes until the stretch.

He apparantly is determined to restructure your basic workout. So while gasping for air and trying to soothe screaming muscles, he commands you to stretch. Should be easy, right? Wrong. These stretches are yoga/pilates type and require muscle power to keep you in position. So while it is a break and your lungs are shouting for joy at the reprieve, there is no rest. Six minutes of this and then back into it for 20 minutes of insane power movements at warp speed. Here's the strange part. Somewhere along the way, I begin to enjoy it. I don't know exactly when it happens, but I all at once realize that I don't even want to stop. Sometimes I have to take a breather for a few seconds, but I don't even entertain the thought of turning it off.

I'm still baffled by it, three weeks later. I have trouble getting started some days, but once I get going I love it. I think this fitness stuff seeps into your blood and makes you crave it. On the rest days I find myself not really wanting to take the day off. I get kinda crabby and antsy and anxious. With 5 kids who want nothing more than to have a pleasant Mama, I think it may just be wise to keep it up. Cause if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!
 
Now if I could just figure out how to make Shaun T happy, maybe he'd rethink next month's longer and harder workouts! Hmmm.....

This post is linked up with:  Sidetracked Sarah

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A gift without measure

My days are spent in an office. With my desk, chair, phone...and my five year old. Honestly, there are times when her chattering gets to me. When I find myself tuning her out as she wants me to participate in her latest game of make-believe. But most of the time, I just think how blessed I am. True, I have lost the ability to be a stay-at-home mama. But I have been gifted with a job that allows me to bring my precious child to work with me. She missed the school-entrance age deadline by 12 days, so she was unable to join her 4 siblings this year. But what she is getting (and giving to me) is so much better. These days of childhood fly so quickly that it makes my heart ache. Literally. There are times when I realize my eyes are full of tears at the thought of how grown they already are. But today I have been full to overflowing with my little girl, hidden beneath my desk playing quietly. The occasional whisper that comes from her sweet lips, that somehow indicates that we are having a very secret conversation, is like therapy. Her smile and random "I love you's" makes even the most stressful, hurried day worth living.

I love you, my sweet girl!!!!

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