Bring on 2010

I'm not big on making New Year's resolutions. But I do love to sit back and take stock of where I am at physically, emotionally and spiritually at the end of a year. And as naturally follows, I also think of where I'd like to be the following year. I'm pretty good at setting goals for myself and then working toward them. I'm not so good at "resolving" to do something. Too much pressure in that term for me. So this year my goal is pretty basic. One "big" thing, that I hope will help in lots of "little" areas.

To seek God.

That's it. Simple, right? And it should be, but it somehow isn't. All my own fleshly desires and habits get in the way. I am easily convinced that my way is best, even though I know full well that the only way to true happiness is in seeking and following God. I get discouraged quickly. I can start out the morning great but take the path of slow and steady decent into the not-so-great. But bedtime I find myself often wishing I could erase the day and begin again.

I've decided on a game plan. I'm not going to focus on doing better at anything. No resolutions to be a better mother, to be more patient, or more organized, or to eat healthier. I want to entirely put all my energy into getting to know my Creator and finding out what He wants from me and for me each day. When I fail at being a mom, I want to brush of the feelings of despondency that the adversary loves to heap on me, and go right back to God to repent and get instruction for where to go from there. I am more determined than ever to stop serving a master who would destroy me by believing his lies. I'm fed up with the mediocre existence of just surviving each day. I'm on the warpath, and I've got my Lord battling on my behalf!!! The only thing standing in my way is...me.

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Growing pains...

I've been bothered lately by the fact that I have lived most of my life as a 'people pleaser'. For many years I thought it was a good thing. I could get along with just about anybody. I detest conflict of any kind, so this was very comfortable for me. But I'm slowly realizing it is living a lie in many ways.

I grew up with divorced parents. I didn't ever want to hurt either one, so I'd adapt to the situation I was in and attempt to be the person I thought that particular parent wanted me to be. That need to please carried on through high school where I did my best to be friends with everyone. And looking back, I don't really see that as such a bad thing. I had friends of all kinds...some I had lots in common with and others not so much. But I enjoyed those years, though I'd never in a million years want to go back!!! What has me concerned is that as I have transitioned into adulthood, my focus has shifted a bit. Now I don't think my goal is so much to reach out in kindness to people, as it is to give them the best possible perception of me. I'm literally afraid to allow people to see the real me for fear of the conclusions they might draw.

Divorce is a horrible, tragic thing for everybody whose lives it touches, most especially the children. But if one good thing has some from this circumstance in my life, it is that I am figuring out a little bit of who I am at my core. I was engaged by the age of 19, and still had a lot of growing up to do. My first child was born days after my 21 birthday. In the following 6 years, I sustained 4 more pregnancies. The result was 5 small children age 6 and under and one very maxed out mama. I didn't do a lot of soul searching during those years and wasn't (and am still not) very grounded in what I believed. I see now that I leeched off of my ex-husband to direct my thoughts and beliefs and didn't force myself to think for myself. You can only ride the coattails of somebody else's existence for so long, before you realize that you are hanging on by a thread. At some point you have to find your own experience.

I may have just painted a very dull picture of life at that time, when in reality it was full of blessings. Each of my precious children instilled in me a desire to be "good". For the sake of those young lives I wanted to be something remarkable for them to emulate. But in all that, I lost the focus. Anything truly good in us comes straight from God. We simply aren't capable of making that happen on our own. But it is well within our means to fake it. I realize now that this is what I did so often. I did things that I was told I should, even when they didn't make much sense in my own mind. Even doing things that are good and right, can be done by the wrong motivation. This is what I want to change.

I want to look my shortcomings and weaknesses straight in the eye. I want to accept me for who I am at the very core of my being. I can tell you already, I don't like much of what I am finding. But at least I am being real with myself. And finally I want to take myself, tarnished character and all, before the Lord to see who He wants me to be. I really want to be done pretending my way into the good thoughts of others. It is a struggle for me to let go. Much has changed in the past year and a half and the domino effect is that I am a very different person now. I think the Kasey that is emerging is more true to the real me, and I'm certain there are plenty of people who don't like it. It goes against the grain for me to show that side, but I think it is healthy. The only way for me to move forward is to deal with the good, bad and the ugly...and to allow God to work with me to change the latter.

So if you see me changing, and it leaves you feeling perplexed and concerned...bear with me. I'm hoping and praying that the Lord isn't anywhere near done with me yet!!

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Wednesday night girl parties...

Every Wednesday the four older kids spend the night with their Daddy. He lives about 2 minutes from their school and just drops them off on his way to work. But since Abigail isn't yet in school, she visits with him for a bit and then I pick her up. We use the rest of the evening for what she calls our "girl party". She gets to stay up past her bedtime and hang out with me. Last night we did some surprise holiday decorating for the other kids. Then for the real kicker...she gets to sleep in my bed! Fun times!! But there is always a Thursday hangover. She lacks energy and tends to lay around a bit. A few minutes ago, I walked from my office into the lobby of Wood Lodge and found her laying on the couch all covered up. Poor girl...but I think we both agree that it's worth it! :)


And shortly thereafter...

Love you, Abs!!!!

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Nearly to the teen years...

Yesterday was sweet Micah's birthday. He is now officially 12 and into his final year before he enters his teens. How do I feel about this? Profoundly proud of the young man he is becoming. Sad because his childhood is quickly slipping past us. One day he will no longer be right here to brighten my every day.

By no means is this boy perfect. Far from it. He is way too much like his Mama for all that. But he has a heart of gold. It is almost sad, but when I look back over the past year and a half I have to honestly admit that my little family would be so much worse off without him. When I was at my low, there was my sweet man doing more than was asked of him. If he thought cleaning the kitchen might brighten my day, that is what he would do. Whatever it took, he set his mind to keeping me sane and happy. He's told me more times than I can count how much he loves it when I am smiling. And as is likely true in most families, Micah (being the oldest) tends to set the mood for the other kids. There was a particularly stressful night not too long ago, and the kids got frightened and upset. But when I went upstairs a few minutes later, I found four little heads crowded around a computer where Micah was helping them choose clip art. He saw the need for distraction and went straight into rescue mode! I think I will not likely ever forget that sight.

Christmas is his absolute favorite time of the year. Sure, he loves the anticipation of that perfect gift. But more than that he loves all the merriment and festivities. He loves nothing better than the soft glow of the tree and some lighted candles scattered about the house. Christmas stories at night before bed, yummy baked goodies filling our home with their intoxicating scents...he loves every last detail. It always seems like Christmas really begins with his birthday!!

Maybe one of these days I will take the time to write out some of the MANY naughty things my crazy boy (and his equally crazy little brothers) has gotten into. They'd make you laugh and be very thankful that your own angelic children have never been so mischievous. But for the moment, I will leave you with just these pleasant musings from this Mama's heart about her first-born child!

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