When life hands you what you don't see coming, it's easy to lose your bearings. Actually, it can knock you right on your backside. It takes awhile to realize exactly what hit you and how much damage accompanied the blow. And even once you figure that much out, you have to keep slogging along trying to figure out where that leaves you now. My situation is not unique. In one way or another, to a greater or lesser degree, it happens to everyone at some point in life. That transient moment. The one where you find yourself forced to stretch and grow. How we handle it . . . now that is the unique part.
For me, I have delved deep into my feelings. My experiences. My heartache and anger. I've even caused plenty of my own. And when I came out the other side, I found that for me to grow, I really needed to move on. To not dwell on what is done, but to try to ensure that what is yet undone is done better. You know what I mean? Maybe not, but that is okay!
What shocks people is that I am moving on with my life. Have I made mistakes along the way? Absolutely. And I'm sure I'll continue to stumble. But I am testing the waters and finding things (and people) that truly bring me happiness. I am slowly finding peace. For some that may seem odd. Or out of place. "You were a married woman, after all. You were blessed with 5 beautiful children. How can you so easily move on and feel okay about it?" This is a question that I know so many have and I really can't answer. All I know is what is real. And I also know that I did my grieving of my marriage slowly over most of a decade. It wasn't something I was verbal about, so to anyone else it probably seems sudden. I assure you, it wasn't. My kids' daddy is a great person full of potential. He is traveling the roughest road of his life to this point. It is my prayer that it only gets better. My hearts breaks for him. "If that's so then why not make it work?" you might ask. And there is an answer to that question, though I believe it should rightly remain between he and I. And of course, God.
As for moving on, that is the part I have struggled with being open about. It goes right back to my fear of people's opinion of me. Something I really want to learn to let go of. I can't do anything about it anyway, so it is just a waste of my mental and emotional energy. And I need every ounce of energy I can muster! I am currently in a relationship. There I said it. And yes, it was painful! I am already shrinking under the perceived thoughts and judgment of others. However, it is necessary to stop trying to hide what is reality.
He is a good, huge-hearted man. Once you chip away a bit of his somewhat hard exterior, there is a treasure inside. A guy who has known his share of heartache and struggle, but is determined that God isn't finished with him yet. It's a growing process, but some people just bring out the good in you and encourage you to reach higher. He is one of those people. Someone that makes me want to be better. Pushes me to keep trying till I get it right. I've been sitting in one place, not really advancing in my spiritual journey, for far too long. It's time to move!
So now that it's out (well, those in close proximity to me already knew, but even then I'm pretty closed off about it) I feel a bit better. Like I have just confessed a really huge secret and the burden has been lifted. Certainly, people have questions. Concerns for the kids. Concerns for my ex-husband. And I share those concerns. More than you can imagine. I can say that my kids have found a friend, but not a replacement for their very own Daddy. They are beyond blessed to have a father that loves them to the utmost. That is not something that children in intact homes can always boast of. Never, ever will I try or allow that relationship to be broken. But I can honestly say, there is a mutual enjoyment of each others company that is very healthy. They each respect the unspoken bounds. And my kids are always happy for attention!
Now, I'm off to enjoy this amazing spring day!!!!
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