CBR Memories

My intro to life at Camp Blue Ridge was not a very good indication of what the years ahead would hold. The morning that the truck arrived with our stuff was my first encounter with the people of CBR. And that is a day that I'm fairly certain I will never forget. My roots are in Pennsylvania and the valley I grew up in is very much "country". But what met me on this mountain was a whole 'nother story. I was in no way prepared for my introduction to Stevie and Stanley. And there really are no words to adequately describe those first impressions!

You just have to know Stanley to really appreciate his personality. On that day I did not have the benefit of knowing him. I can honestly say I was very tempted to beg them to stop moving my stuff in and to instead move it back out and let me go home. That man carried my stuff in with a half glare on his face muttering with every trip that "this stuff belongs in the dump!" Yeah,I was not exactly having warm and fuzzy thoughts about this guy. It didn't get much better over the ensuing months as if I would pass him on the camp road he would bark at me to "get out of my way!". Or if the kids and went down to the base of the camp he'd look stricken and tell me to "make those heathens be quiet." Part of me kept thinking that nobody could be that mean. He must be kidding. But the other part of me just wasn't convinced! It was months before I got to the point where I wasn't cringing when I would happen upon him. Literally months. Maybe even a year or more. But finally, I saw through the facade. What was on the other side was a big teddy bear where I thought had been a grizzly. Some times I would even catch him sort of smile. A real smile that belied his gruffness. I don't want to go and ruin his reputation, so I won't go into detail. But he has a great son, Taylor...who has an awesome mother, Kim. The evenings I spent at their house chatting with Kim and enjoying her most amazing cooking are among some of my favorite moments.

Then there was Stevie. That first day I do remember that he at least smiled. I don't recall that he spoke to me much, but I can say that I didn't feel scared of him. Yet. That fright came upon me some time later when he showed up at our door late one evening. All I could see through the window was a big man standing there with something reflective strapped to his head. He pounded on the door and I slowly walked over, trying all the while to figure out who that formidable figure was. Just as I reached the door he yelled out, "OPEN THE DOOR OR I'LL SHOOT!!!". It's embarrassing as I think back on it now, but I learned a great deal that night about how I respond in a crisis. I yelped as I turned tail and ran back to the living room to hide behind the TV. I stood there gasping for air until Catesby informed me that it was Stevie (who, by the way, had been hunting and was indeed holding a gun!). My fear was quickly replaced by humiliation! Just typing this out right now makes me realize I haven't completely forgiven him for that night! You would think that he'd have learned his lesson after shredding years from my life in a moment. Not so. On a fall night while we were down cleaning cabins, he donned a long, black wig and shaved off a few more years! I've finally come to the point where I can understand his mountain lingo. Which is a far cry from the day early on when we stood in the parking lot having a conversation that I just didn't follow very well. Turns out that the word "tar" actually means "tire" round these parts! Or at least according to Stevie! All that aside, you learn very quickly that he would do anything for you. He has an easy smile and a great sense of humor. The family behind him is equally as amazing. His lovely bride Susan, is the epitome of sweetness. His three kids (Stephie, Sammie and Stevie) are tons of fun!

I remember the night after our stuff was moved in, I was standing in my kitchen overwhelmed by boxes. Overwhelmed by being in a strange house by myself with 5 kids. Feeling mildly panicked by the characters I had encountered that day, when there was a knock at the sliding glass door. I looked up to see Mark standing there. He had just stopped by to make sure we were okay and didn't need anything. I doubt I ever told him, but that very small thing put me in tears after he left. I'm not brave by nature and I was feeling the strain of that lack. His friendly, caring face showing up at just the right moment was exactly what I needed. Within the next few days, I met his family...Heidi and their little boy Colten. It was such a relief to have another mother on campus and her son and my Abby are almost exactly the same age. That little family went out of their way to make us feel welcome. Over the past 4 years two more little boys, Lincoln and Cassius, have joined their crew. And there is nothing quite like the adoration those boys lavish on me. I even get invited to "come play with me at my house." Mark has an easy-going personality and a mischievous bent. He'll get out there and build a contraption to use sledding or make a potato gun just for the fun of it. My kids love to hear his stories and hang on his every word so they make sure to properly store the information for use at a later date! For weeks after we moved in, Micah and Nikolas would tip their hats just like "Mr. Mark". Micah had grown his hair quite long and it was taking all the willpower I could muster not to make him hack it off. Heidi used her persuasive powers one day when I was about to give all the boys a trim. She told him that he should cut it short. Now I'd been telling him forever that he should do that, but a word from Heidi and it was a go. Afterwards she assured him that he looked great and he hasn't wanted to grow it back out since!

Big Mark. I didn't work for Big Mark much because soon after I started in the office, he left the camp to attend to his businesses. But when thinking back to the first days here, it is just impossible to not remember him. His huge smile made him approachable. He was the kind of person you didn't want to disappoint. He was willing to invest himself in the people around him in hopes that he could give them a fresh start. All good stuff! But I would be remiss not to divulge the fact that the man was exasperating. I embarrass easily. Fact. But I don't know that I have ever come across someone who always knew exactly what buttons to push to get me to turn every shade of red on the spectrum! And he'd sit back and laugh as it happened! I met his mother once and it didn't take long to figure out where he got it! He offered Alex a cash payment if he would stop sucking his fingers. Wonder of wonders, it worked. And Big Mark paid up! He told the boys about how terrified he was of the dark as a child. For whatever reason, this knowledge brought them great comfort...not to mention the fact that they thought it was funny! Linda, his wife, is quite a treasure. The windows aound the camp are graced with her handiwork (and that of Michelle Hall's!). She helped to keep the kitchen going, along with Shelby, as this place was between food service directors. And if you've ever been served a meal prepared by Linda, you've had a treat!

That was the staff that was here when we moved in. My very first memories of this place. But those are only a few of the people that have touched our lives over the past four years or so. Bruce, Joannie, Denny, Cyndee, Todd, Shelby, Don, Lisa, Scott, Martha, Charlotte, Julie...not to mention all the many children that go with these families! Then there are the kitchen workers that have come in on weekends over the years or the myraid of summer staff who have wiggled their way into our hearts! There are, of course, the scuffles and disagreements that go along with extended "family" living and working in close proximity to each other. But at the end of the day, there is no other group of people I'd rather be surrounded by! I can truly and honestly, from the bottom of my heart, say that I am going to miss this place!

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A day in the life

They're back! And I'm happy! Now I can stop whining about missing them!

The day was mostly uneventful if you don't count the once white t-shirt that now sports vibrant red splotches from an escapade to gather stray paintballs. Or the red juice that was mysteriously spilled all over my desk and office chair. Oh, and we can't forget the hair that was lopped off Hannah's head in an attempt to remove the gum stuck there. Other than that, it was a relatively quiet day! It was strangely comforting to have Nikolas totally invading my space and chomping on his sandwich right in my ear since he determined that it was essential to sit right beside on top of me for lunch. It just felt normal to return to my office to find that both chairs and the desk were occupied by little people who aren't technically employed by the camp. Even hearing Alex yell at Hannah for "copying" him didn't phase me much.

What are the chances this calm could remain indefinitely? Wait a minute...don't answer that. Let me savor the moment of just being glad they are home!!

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Homecoming!!!!

By the time I go to bed tonight, I should have the five empty beds in this house filled once again with my children! The very thought brought me out of sleep way too early this morning. My stomach is all fluttery, as pitiful as that sounds! Being away from them makes me appreciate what I have all the more. I got to talk to them yesterday for quite awhile. They were pretty chatty and I loved every minute of it. Nik is not a big fan of talking on the phone, but that silly boy really tries. He cracked me up each time this week when we'd be talking and suddenly he would sound a little panicked and say, "Uh, I'm running out of things to talk about." So yesterday when we were chatting, there was a lull in the conversation. Nikolas very quickly assured me that he hadn't run out of things to say, he was just trying to think of all the things he wanted to tell me! Hannah had just been stung by a jellyfish...AGAIN...and her whimpering just about broke my heart! Jellyfish aside, those children have had an amazing week at the water with their Daddy. As excited as I am to have them back, I'm sure he is loathe to leave their little retreat away from the world.

Tomorrow morning I will likely be awakened to the sound of little feet hammering their way down the steps like so many elephants. And I will groan and think groggily that somebody should teach those kids some household etiquette. Until one of those "elephants" climbs into my bed to have an early morning chat. And then it will hit me that everything is right in my world!

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Getting stung

I got to talk to my kids last night!! It was such fun to hear their little voices and to get filled in on all they've been up to. They are having a blast! It's funny, they are pretty much all doing the same things but what stood out in each of their minds to tell me about was different. They'll be home on Sunday and I can't wait!

Hannah has been stung by a jellyfish twice this week already. And as Micah put it, she is "for sure allergic to them." Needless to say, having so many of those stinging critters around this year is putting a bit of a damper on Hannah's time in the water. She feels a little bit like they are chasing her down. When I asked her if she was still going to play in the water, she answered that she was just staying where it wasn't deep "so the jellyfish can't hide". I'm almost glad to hear that she's taking precautions because I'm a little afraid that the next sting could cause an even worse reaction. But it's also kind of sad.

We are so prone to being a little gun-shy after something bad happens. You know how it is...you are going along happily with everything in your world just so, when you encounter you're first really big disappointment. Or heartbreak. And you are changed a little from that moment. You're more careful, calculated. Sometimes almost suspicious. There are times in my life now, where I find myself almost looking for the reasons that something won't work or why a good thing won't last. The walls go up and it seems as life hands out the next obstacle I stack the bricks a little higher. If nobody and nothing can penetrate my wall, I'm safe. Disappointment can't hurt me if it can't reach me! Pathetic actually, these walls. Because what they really hide us from is the joy that is to be ours in this life. How silly would it be if I lived out this life in my bubble of "safety" only to get to heaven and talk with my Lord...and He tells me of all the things He had planned for me that I just wouldn't accept. Why, He might ask (though of course He already knows!). What would be my reply? How could I avoid looking foolish? "Well, you see Lord, you remember when (fill in the blank) happened. Surely you know how deeply that hurt me. I just never really recovered from it. But I was smart, Lord. I learned from it and put great effort into making sure I was never hurt like that again!" I can just imagine Him looking at me sadly, and putting His hand atop my head. "Dear child," He might say, "Not only did you miss so many opportunities to grow and have peace and joy, but when you resisted the healing I had to offer, you stole the joy from those closest to you, as well. I can be trusted with your heart."

Like Hannah and her jellyfish, we've all be stung. Some of us worse or more often than others. But the worst thing we can do is to let it keep us from going back in the water. It's okay to just start with your feet in the shallow end. As that trust grows, and that peace permeates the soul, venturing in deeper will not be so scary. Until one day we find ourselves fully submerged in the joy that was meant to be ours.

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Just thought I'd share a few pictures of my kids on another day that they got to play in the water. Alexander and Hannah were in camp, which is why they are absent from the pictures. We hiked around St. Mary's Falls.

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Set to music

I'm not musical. Period. I don't play an instrument and if I tried to sing you'd beg me to stop. Even so, I can appreciate good music when I hear it. Some songs just sort of grab your heart and give it a squeeze. Yesterday morning I was sitting in my office looking out the window on the front lawn while one of the summer staff sat in the lodge playing the piano. It was the kind of song that was sending shivers down my spine. I was struck with the realization that the activity on the lawn in front of me had suddenly taken on an ethereal quality. If you've ever been to camp, you know that isn't a word that generally describes the bustle of the field on a summer day. But watching kids and adults interacting together with such joy all set to the backdrop of that beautiful song was almost serene.

Made me wonder what it was about the music that made me see things so differently. Was it just that I could see the activity without hearing the noise that accompanied it? Or something bigger? I almost believe it was the song itself lending its peace to my tired mind. It gave me a fresh perspective that helped me to see, if only for a moment, the beauty surrounding me. To wonder at the indomitable spirit of people that are here this week who have every reason in the world to be beaten down by the rough hand life has dealt them. Those faces wreathed in smiles, even though their hearts, minds and bodies are hurting is such a testimony to the strength God gives us to meet life's most heartwrenching challenges. Suffice it to say, my time at the window did wonders for me.

While I know it isn't possible to have a piano follow me everywhere to help me keep my focus, tucking a song in my heart is a good place to start!

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Eye on the prize

Trash or Treasure. There is a fine line between the two at times, I'm finding. What is it that makes us become attached to "things"? For me, many times it is just that it's something I've had for a long time. It's just more comfortable to keep than to toss it. Or is it? So much stuff is just too much clutter.

I'm being very particular in my packing this time. Very little seems to be making it through, yet the boxes tell a different story as they are filled and stacked up. There are some things that hold sentimental value to me. Like the afghans my Gram crocheted each of my babies. Not very practical to keep being as my "babies" are growing up quickly. Yet I hang onto them. They remind me of my grandmother who has poured her heart and soul into her family. Then there are the cards I've held onto from when Micah was born. There is nothing in the world like having that first baby placed in your arms. Those cards take me back to those days when I was eagerly anticipating that little bundle of boy! Nope, can't let 'em go. Pictures the kids have drawn me, little gifts they've made me, notes they've written me. Somehow these are all treasures in my eyes. And so I fill another box.

Many times during this packing process I have found my eyes swimming with tears. Most of them have been happy tears as something evokes a memory that brings a smile to my heart. I've sat for what seems like hours looking though old photos, yearbooks, newspaper clippings, and other such relics. No matter how badly I want to just get done, I can't seem to help myself. It has been very much like watching my life played back for me a little each evening for the last few weeks. One thing I have learned is that God always knew exactly what I needed at any given time, and made it happen. I remember many times that I would wish, even pray, for something that always seemed to remain just out of reach. How discouraging it is while you go through it, certain that it's the one thing you need to be happy or for life to run smoothly. Looking at the decades in rewind, it is clear how often His denial of my requests was simply His love made manifest. I know as a mother, it is sometimes hard to deny my children the things that seem harmless to them that they are certain will bring great happiness. But all too often it is necessary. When I think of how much fun it is to surprise my kids with something special, I realize that is how He must feel when he reveals the beauty He has been saving just for us!

Yes, I have some treasures packed away in cardboard boxes and plastic totes. Things I have deemed worthy of the effort of moving them from one home to another. And while I don't think there is anything wrong with hanging onto things from our past that hold precious memories, I want to be careful to not lose sight of the fact that the greatest treasures can't be found in a box. No amount of packing tape can secure it and no trusty black sharpie can properly identify it. This eternal treasure will make all the "trash" of life fade from our memories. We'll be able to cast our boxes aside and take with us only what we've stored up in our hearts!

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Worry

It's funny how there are days where I think I'd give anything for a bit of quiet or a house that doesn't get messy. Sometimes I even just want an hour where nobody requires anything of me. But when they are gone, I quickly discover that I actually thrive on the chaos. My kids left last night to go on vacation with their Daddy. They'll be gone 9 days and right now that seems like forever. I woke up this morning to a house that was too quiet and nobody who had awakened early and snuck into my bed to snuggle. Yuck! Peace and quiet is overrated. I am just reminding myself that I know they are going to have a great time. They are staying at the family cottage on the river and the opportunities for fun there are endless. Swimming, fishing, boating, tubing, skiing...or even just walking down the beach to their little island that they love to visit and look for minnows and shells. I'm thankful they have this time there with their Dad, but I sure do miss them already!

Strangely, our house is packed in large part but if you looked around at the mess that is EVERYWHERE you would never believe me. It would take actually looking in drawers and closets to confirm it. Somehow between the combination of boxes packed, empty boxes and stuff that we won't pack until the last minute the house is in a ridiculous state of upheaval. I have trouble going to sleep at night for the mess. I know it'll all get done, I just wish somebody else would come and do it! :) And I wish I could pack up the people here and take them with me. It's definitely the people that are hardest to leave.

I was reading this morning and came across this text in 2 Timothy 1:7~"God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I'm a worrier. Not a quality that I am proud of, but it is true nonetheless. Most of the time I just accept it for what it is and simply wish that I were different. But my children left late last night and their Daddy was very tired. I was having a difficult time watching them pull out knowing they had a long trip ahead of them. I had a rough night of fitful sleep as I allowed "Worry" in for a sleepover. I woke early this morning to the realization that I did not actually know that they arrived safely. So I strapped my vile companion back on and let him steal the joy from the early hours of a new and beautiful day. In tears, I sat down with my Bible, and searched for some reassurance. What God showed me is that HE knows the condition in which the morning found my precious children. He made a path through the Red Sea for His Israelite children to travel to safety. Do I seriously think He can't handle a van with 6 people and a dog? He keeps the night watch so that I can sleep in peace and maintain the health and strength that I need for the job He has given me. I feel like He gently reminded me this morning that the next time I want to "help" I can just pray and leave it to Him.

I've decided to let Worry take the rest of the day off! It's a decision that I know I'll have to make new each day. Saying goodbye is never easy, especially to a life-long friend. But this particular friend is no good for me. Besides that, I'm sure he's exhausted by now!

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New job, new home...new fears!

So I'm packing. Cleaning out my life, purging that stuff that is just clutter and putting in boxes the stuff that is useful. It is scary really, this moving on thing. I'm only moving about an hour away and the job is at my kids' school. This solves a number of problems. Most significantly, I'll have the opportunity to be close to my kids. I was having serious separation anxiety at the thought of being away from every last one of them. I know that sounds ridiculous, but my kids have been my whole life since the first one was born. No matter what has happened or which direction life takes us, we have been together. Yep, I'll let go and allow my children to live normal, happy, well-adjusted lives without creeping around in their shadows forever. But for the moment, I am going to enjoy the chance to have them close just a little longer.

But back to the benefits of this move...I will no longer have to run this crazy mountain multiple times a day. The gas I will save and the lost hours at work I will reclaim, are enough alone to make this a wise move. But I will also have the same hours as my kids, thereby being able to continue to avoid having to use a babysitter. Serious bonus!

But even with all the reasons why this is a good move, it is still stepping out into the unknown. That requires strength and bravery, neither of which do I have in abundance. I'm thinking I'm in for another lesson on how God carries us through the scary stuff! I know it in my heart, but my mind is on overdrive when it comes to thinking about all the what-ifs. I absolutely must learn to relax and trust!

This week Micah and Nik are both in camp. I'm finding that having them both gone at the same time is difficult. Partly because they are super helpful around here. But also because I just enjoy them so much. They are a mess when they are together and I am constantly getting after them to settle down or be quieter. But the friendship that they share is so much fun to witness. I miss the crazy jokes that are passed back and forth. The way they give each other a hard time, yet each know not to take it seriously. It's absurd, but I miss the way they tussle and try to get me to wrestle them. I ALWAYS win!!! However, though I would never admit it to them, I know the day is near when that will no longer be the case. It has definitely gotten to be more of a challenge to hold my ground.

Anyway, I'd better get back to packing and get cleaned up before the sun goes down. Have a great weekend!!!!!

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