Not the least bit concerned that her siblings were laughing at her while she slept!
In less than two months I moved, changed jobs and got married. A lot has been going on and I sometimes feel like I keep waiting for life to settle down. I know one of these days there will be a sense of normalcy to our days but at the moment it still just feels, well...like a lot of changes! Good changes, of course, but we are all still adjusting and it tends to drain the energy reserves. Oh wait, that's perfectly laughable since I never have any energy in reserve! Anyway...
One thing I miss is writing. By the end of the day when there is a minute to actually sit down and type out my thoughts, I feel too tired to try to collect everything that is swirling in my head and attempt to put it into words. So a month has gone by and I have written nothing. It's odd, but writing gives me clarity. It forces me to slow down long enough to reflect on my days and so often I learn something in the process. Right now I feel overwhelmed by all the "unreflected" happenings and really need to get back to taking that time.
As I was driving home tonight I found myself thinking about the kids in the classroom where I spend my days. It must be so freeing in some ways to be 4 or 5. When you are sad you cry. If you get angry you yell. A moment of happiness is expressed in giggles. As we get older the ability to freely express ourselves is greatly diminished by social standards. It is no longer acceptable to burst into tears when things don't go our way. And if somebody makes us mad we can't just scream at them and tell them "you aren't my best friend anymore!!!!". Even being happy is tempered and that unabashed laughter is replaced by a smile and a short chuckle. Before we realize what is happening we have completely lost the person we were before all the pressures of conformity closed in on us.
Now, don't mistake me. I certainly think that we should be investing our energies in training up our children to behave appropriately. And obviously it is not appropriate to snatch a toy from another child and bop them on the head with it because they said or did something that was bothersome. Or to scream out in anguish when somebody budges in the lunch line. But in helping to mold the characters of these children I believe we should be mindful that God gave us emotions for a reason. Even Jesus experienced them in their fullness. The difference is in how he reacted to the feelings those emotions evoked. I cry easily and often find myself biting the inside of my bottom lip to try to keep the tears at bay. Because to be perfectly honest, I'm not a big fan of an emotional display in front of people. But in that process I have grown somewhat hardened to life. Things that I should notice and respond to in gentleness and love go unattended to. I miss so many little details. And all the big details are is a bunch of little ones put together.
I have been making an effort to pay closer attention to what is triggering the multitude of emotions in my own kids in a day. It is so easy to just see the outward behavior and grow irritated at the lack of restraint. But every single time care is taken to look into the "why" I walk away with a better understanding and a starting place to help them grow. Last night Micah was still doing homework at 10pm. He was tired and it was just a struggle for him to get it done. I went in and asked him what was left. In tears, he told me that he still had most of a chapter in his reading book to get through and then had to write a 50 word summation on it. My initial reaction was to be annoyed that he was taking so long to get done. My second reaction was to be further bothered by the fact that I couldn't go to bed until he did. God finally got through to me by giving me a third chance. He showed me a boy who tries so hard to be good at whatever he does. Not everything comes easy to him and the result is that his perfectionism exhausts him. I looked at my worn-out boy who was determined to get it all done and realized that my own sleep was secondary. I hugged him and told him I thought he was awesome and then told him to lay down on the bed and let me read to him. In that way we got through the chapter and he was able to get the summary written. He just needed to deal with the exhaustion and frustration in a productive way and let it drive him. This morning he woke up with a whole new outlook and felt ready to tackle the day. I cringe to think of what today would have been like if I would have given in to my lack of patience and fussed at him and then sent him to bed without his work completed. And it makes me shudder to wonder how many times I have missed these opportunities to help my kids own their emotions and work through it till they found their way to the other side.
For today, I am just thankful that the Lord is not yet done with me. I sure have an awful long way to go!
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