Anyway, life had settled into a healthy state of routine and by now people were just accustomed to my having five children. After all, my youngest is SIX! Five kids with the youngest in Kindergarten? Piece of cake! (uh, when they're sleeping, that is!!) The logical next step seemed to be to stir the waters and add a baby...or two! I mean seriously, who wants to be bored? Alright, never mind.
Joking aside, the questions and stares that once accompanied me through every public outing I ever made have returned with a vengeance as my belly expands. Rarely do I take the time to explain my position. I just smile and laugh at the jokes, because honestly most people really are just trying to make light of it and mean no harm. And depending on the delivery of the quip, I might find myself seriously amused! Occasionally a person who apparently assumes that I am receiving government assistance, being paid through their very own tax dollar, (As a disclaimer, I have no issue whatsoever with families who make use of these services. We are each in unique situations and were my own different I would be very grateful to have such assistance available to provide for my children.) will scoff at my brood and make an unkind remark. I never feel it necessary to correct them and let them know that I, in fact, do not. I do, however, often wonder to myself which of my kids they think I should not have had.
You see, not only does a new baby offer the opportunity for spiritual rebirth as you witness and take part in the wonder of life, but that baby also offers a window into your own soul. I have learned sooooo much more from each of my kids than I could ever hope to teach them. I've learned of the Father's infinite patience with my stubborn and willful character as I have dealt with those same flaws in my children. I have felt first hand, by watching a wayward child, at least a fraction of how it must feel to Him as we seek our own way, while He knows that it can only lead to destruction. I know even the tiniest bit of the kind of love that motivated the God of Heaven to go to such heart-wrenching lengths to see His precious children restored to Him. Now you don't have to go and have myriads of kids to learn these things, but I think never once has God looked done on us and thought, "Well now, I maybe ought to have stopped breathing new life into these people sooner. Things have gotten out of hand here!" We are each unique and make decisions based on various factors. In my mind, the firm evidence that God holds the final authority on childbearing is how He opens and closes wombs. I have known wonderful, huge-hearted people who would love to have even one child that find themselves unable to for one reason or another. I have also known people who have attempted to prevent such an addition (ahem) only to find those efforts futile and their homes blessed with a bundle of baby. And of course, there are those babies born into families where drugs, alcohol and/or abuse and neglect run rampant. Our natural inclination is to feel angry at what these innocent children are subjected to at the hands of people who have no business bringing babies into the world. I admit to such feelings of "righteous indignation". But this life was never promised to be easy. We ourselves daily let the adversary take the reins and it is only by the grace of a long-suffering and merciful God that most of us live our lives free of such horror. There are countless stories of children brought up in unimaginable circumstances who have felt the Hand of God on them throughout their lives. He so often uses the least likely and most ill-fitted to perform His most miraculous feats!
My love for the two that I carry within is not less because I already have five. And the crazy, amazing love I have for those five is not in the least diminished by the addition of these two. I have made TONS of mistakes and continue to make them every day. I stand in awe as I see the evidence of God's hand in their lives. And while I admit to NOT being the delightfully glowing expectant mother, I still find myself caught up in the wonder of the wiggling in my tummy that grows stronger by the day.
So if you find yourself feeling bad for me, you can be assured that it isn't necessary. If you find yourself worried about my children, know that they are loved and cared for. And if you just simply find yourself shaking your head thinking that I simply have no brain, it's okay. On many days you would be right...but not because of the size of my family!
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